It sounds almost cliché now to say that inner peace does not come from outside of ourselves, and yet many of us continue the search… The depth and breadth of the inner turbulence determining the depth and breadth of the search. In my own experience, I have come full circle. My mostly fear based life drove me to seek out many avenues of professed salvation, ways that I should think, feel, have or believe, to know inner peace and self-love. I speak from pure conviction, born of decades of blood, sweat and tears and tears, and tears… when I say that every person, place, thing, belief system that I threw myself into…worked…for a minute or two.
Like many of us who are seekers of inner peace, we have plenty of back story to validate our feelings of lack and dissatisfaction with life. Also, many of the “fixes”, and right now I am not talking about the “fixes” that are of self-medicating nature, I am speaking of the “fixes” on the other side of any kind of harmful solutions. It is the harmful solutions that brought me to the seeking of positive solutions.
Just to be clear, the back story, fill in your own blanks, leads to feelings of lack or not quite good enough, that leads to some object, entity or substance of self-harm…you fill in your blanks. In one way, and only one way, the harmful applications are similar to the positive “fixes”. That is, in the beginning, it works! There is relief, an answer to the never-ending uneasiness of your life…for a minute or two. So, if one is fortunate enough to become aware that a certain behavior no longer is serving them, they begin to look for other solutions… “fixes”. That in and of itself, is a miracle. But, for myself, the story does not end there.
To say I left no stone unturned is not an understatement. For the sake of brevity, I will just list my go to’s. There was, rehabilitation programs, hospitalizations, half way houses, twelve step programs, prayer, education and academic degrees, ever bigger and more important employment situations, marriage, motherhood, self help books and programs, psychiatric hospitalizations, psychiatric medications, therapy, more therapy, a different kind of therapy and psychiatry, just to name a few. In no way am I implying that any one of these things were not helpful to me. I learned and grew in many ways and each has much to offer. There was only one problem…me. I was the constant in the equation. I lost something in my translation, my power. I kept returning to the place of lack, of fear-based thought that somehow, I was separate from everything in this life. Never quite fitting, never quite belonging, never exactly good enough. Feeling powerless, after many years of giving my power away. In my translation, I had to give my power away…become powerless and submissive to what ever school of thought I was adhering to for my salvation.
When I say I have come full circle, I mean I have come full circle, right back to myself. The power was in me, with me, about me and for me all along. The message was lost in my translation. It is not about giving your power to something on the outside. By doing so, I became separate, better than some, lesser than others. A place of fear-based thought, judgmental and critical. True power comes from within, from the recognition of oneness with all. The spirit, the unseen, the permanent, the constant. The potential for joy, peace and harmony is endless from true power. Constantly classifying and evaluating leads to inner turbulence, no matter what path you follow. It creates limitation restricting our very energy and potential.
This blog is going on longer than most will read…let me just end by saying that the power is in self-referral, not object referral. Recognizing the oneness of all is true power, unfearful and permanent.